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Maybe the only thing harder than admitting to yourself that you  have a problem with alcohol is admitting it to people you know professionally. 

Most of the people closest to me knew I was struggling, although even then I did a fairly good job of hiding it. But even those who were close and didn’t know were understanding and supportive because they knew me on a personal level.

When I first contemplated creating a blog about sobriety, I knew I wanted people to know about it. I have had a personal blog for more than ten years that I kept largely under wraps. I didn’t advertise it, and the few views of my posts were accidental: people stumbled upon it and some stuck around long enough to read a post or two and maybe leave a comment. That was fine by me. My writing was really just for my own entertainment and creative expression.

However, this blog was going to be different. Part of recovery from alcohol addiction for me has been trying to help others do the same. Volunteering to lead online recovery meetings has introduced me to people at all stages of recovery. And it opened my eyes to the power of vulnerability. By being open and honest about how I was doing and what I was doing regarding my sobriety helped me and helped others. 

But opening up to a group of people who are struggling with similar demons is one thing. They get it. They don’t judge because they understand. Sharing with the world and in particular past work colleagues this deeply personal and still shameful part of myself is, frankly, terrifying.

Integrity, honesty, and capability were all traits I valued and believed I lived, personally and professionally. 

Addiction strips all of those away and leaves you with nothing. You become unrecognizable to yourself and to the people who think they know you.

To pull yourself out of addiction means reclaiming who you were, rebuilding and rediscovering yourself.  It’s hard to announce “I’m back!” when most people didn’t know how far gone you were.

I imagine that if someone I worked with reads this, they may think, “My god, I had no idea!” And that was by design: no one was ever meant to have any idea that I was struggling. In some ways I am lucky: my problem with alcohol was relatively brief (ten years), although it advanced rapidly once I left my career.  It’s an ugly story, as descents into addiction inevitably are, and I’ll get into it in another post.

Meanwhile, this is who I am. And I am hopeful that if you knew me in the past you understand that by coming out, I am inviting you in.